When my child was in Grade 2 and wanted me to walk him to school, I would linger in the yard and watch him play and interact with other kids. One day, while he was playing basketball, another child became upset about a play and punched my (sweet and adorable) son in the stomach. My motherly instincts kicked in and I was ready to confront the other child about his behaviour. Just then, a teacher arrived and calmly handled the situation.
I returned home feeling upset, angry and worried. After school, I checked in with my son about “what happened in the morning” only to be met with a puzzled look. “What do you mean?” he replied, having completely forgotten about it. Hmmm. As I walked my son to school the next morning, I spotted the other child playing basketball and felt my heart race and my emotions getting bigger. Simultaneously, I watched my son simply walk over and join the game, completely unfazed. At that moment I realized that they had both moved on and I had not.
Lesson learned: children often process conflicts and emotions differently than adults do, and differently than their loving parents. While we may feel anxious and protective, kids can generally let go of minor incidents. Another lesson learned: have faith in your child’s resilience and give them the space to develop it further. By managing my own reactions, I helped to create an environment where my child learned to navigate his experiences — both the ups and downs — without my emotions overshadowing his journey.
As we know, every child will encounter challenging days at school and it’s natural for parents to want to make things easier for them. By offering consistent support as needed and without stepping in to “fix” the issues, you help your child to build the confidence and resilience needed to handle these situations in the future. Whether they’re navigating tricky interactions with friends or facing a difficult homework assignment, your calm and steady presence can make a significant difference in their ability to overcome obstacles independently.
How can we, as parents, best help our kids through everyday situations?
Actively Listen
When your child comes home upset, the first step is to listen. Set aside distractions and use open-ended questions such as: “Can you tell me more about what happened today?” or “How did that make you feel?” to encourage discussion. Avoid rushing to solve the problem immediately — children often just want to feel heard.
Validate Their Feelings
Let your child know that it’s okay to feel upset or frustrated. Use affirming language to validate their emotions, such as: “I can see that you’re really upset about what happened” or “It sounds like you had a really tough morning.” Acknowledging their feelings reassures them that having difficult days is a natural part of life and that their emotions are valid.
Be Mindful of Your Reactions
It’s important to be aware of how your reactions can affect your child. A big or dramatic response to their problem can sometimes make the situation seem even more overwhelming to them. If you react with intense concern or alarm, your child may absorb these emotions and feel even more stressed. Aim to stay calm and composed. Your balanced approach can help them feel more in control and less anxious about the issue. If you keep your response measured, it can help your child see the problem as more manageable and less daunting.
Offer Support and Encouragement
Once your child has shared their feelings, offer support and encouragement. This might include a hug, a calming presence or some comforting words. Remind them that everyone has tough days and that they have the strength to get through them. Saying things like “I know you’re feeling down right now, but I believe in you,” can provide much-needed support. You can even remind them of a previous hardship that they overcame by saying, “Remember the time when you faced a tough situation before (mention the specific challenge) and you handled it so well? You’ve proven that you can overcome challenges and I know you can get through this one too.”
Establish a Relaxing Routine after School
A comforting routine can provide stability after a long day for both you and your child. Engage in calming activities that your child enjoys, such as reading a book together, having an after school snack, throwing a ball, playing a game or having a relaxing bath. These moments help your child wind down and create an opportunity for them to share about their day in a more relaxed setting.
Discuss Healthy Coping Mechanisms
Teach your child healthy ways to cope with stress. This could include techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness (there are many child-friendly mindful or meditation videos on YouTube), drawing or talking about feelings with a family member. By familiarizing them with these coping strategies, you’ll increase the likelihood that they will turn to these methods during times of heightened emotions or stress.
Help Them Reflect
After the initial emotions have calmed — sometimes this can take a day or two — gently encourage them to reflect on what happened. Help them to identify what they found challenging and support them in exploring possible solutions or coping strategies. You might ask, “How do you think you might handle this situation?” or if they need more specific guidance, work together to consider different approaches.
Encourage Positive Self-Talk
Children often internalize negative experiences and may start to doubt their abilities. Encourage them to use positive self-talk or affirmations to help them get through difficult moments. Simple, repeated phrases such as, “I am strong” or “I am capable” can help build their self-confidence and reinforce their belief in their own abilities.
Encourage Assertiveness
Help your child to build confidence in managing challenging situations by discussing effective strategies for assertive communication. For example, you might role-play different scenarios together and practise how to respond assertively when someone hurts their feelings or acts unkindly. This practice can help them feel more prepared and empowered to handle similar situations in the future.
Partner with their Teacher
If your child’s difficulties persist, speak with their teachers to gain a clearer understanding and to collaborate on effective solutions and strategies. Consider arranging a joint meeting with your child and their teacher so that you can support your child to voice their concerns directly, strengthening their ability to advocate for themselves.
Promote a Growth Mindset
Encourage your child to view challenges as opportunities for growth rather than failures. Emphasize the value of effort and perseverance. You can say things like: “I can see you’re really trying,” or “great job” or “it’s ok to struggle; that means you're growing.”
Celebrate Successes
Be sure to celebrate your child’s successes and, even more importantly, their efforts. Recognizing their hard work and achievements boosts their confidence and motivates them to keep moving forward, especially during challenging times.
If you’re looking to explore more topics related to parenting and ways to support your child through challenges, I highly recommend exploring the podcast, Good Inside with Dr. Becky. It’s a fantastic resource filled with insights and practical tips and advice.
Should you have any questions or concerns about your child/ren’s well-being, please don’t hesitate to reach out to our School Social Workers:
Suzy Brotman, Himel Branch
Eden Jacobson, Viewmount Branch, JK - Grade 4
Rachel Srebrolow, Viewmount Brach, Grades 5 - 8